Breathing

I am breathing today.  Now, I know that I have to breathe.  It is one of those things that you do if you are still inhabiting a physical body but this breathing is the result of something that my Taoist teacher told me the other day. 

 

We were talking about jobs and my teacher stated that almost any job can be made into a monastic opportunity; something that he defined, amongst other things, as living in your nature, supporting a community and practicing kindness.  I have often described my cubicle as a sort of little cave so I thought this would be a great place to try out his assertion. 

 

Accordingly, I have begun coming into work, settling in, turning the computer on and then, before I do anything else, I take a few moments to breathe and really center myself before beginning the day.  I focus on doing one thing at a time, deliberately working at not multi-tasking and, when I catch myself doing several things at once, prioritizing what I am doing and bring things back into line.  I stop periodically through my day, sit for a moment and gather myself, breathing deeply into my center and enjoying that breath. 

 

When I go to the fax machine, I take a moment to look out the window and admire the changing view from the 18th floor of this building.  At lunch, I spend some time in spiritual reading and study of one sort or the other before going on to do something fun like reading Loren Coleman's Mysterious America.

 

This strategy has not been completely successful; I have had some crazy busy days of late where I have struggled to even remember that there is anything outside of work or I have gotten so "into" my practice that I actually felt irritated when people came into my cube to interrupt me. 

 

I am still not quite sure what effect this is having on me.  I will write more when I have a better idea but, for now, I know that the effort seems to be helping me to be a little lighter and more humorous, even when the work is flying thick and fast. 

Circus Maximus

I am quite guilty of rolling my eyes at the cult of celebrity that pervades my work place.  I do not need to watch television to know exactly what is going on with the popular ballroom dancing show or the series that features young performers trying to break into the 'big time'.  I can sit and listen on any day to hear about the ups and downs of just about any of the 'reality' shows that draw a wide audience. 

 

For a long time, listening to these conversations, I rolled them into the category of worthless tripe and went on.  What could it possibly matter to me what happened in these contrived entertainments?  Like one of my blessed teachers, who has since gone through the veil, I viewed these shows as part of the 'circus maximus', events that are designed to keep the general populace entertained and unaware while 'Rome' falls down around their ears. 

 

Last night, my Taoist teacher mentioned that those of us who work in cube farms have a perfect opportunity to practice a sort of monastic lifestyle and I wanted to try putting that idea into practice this morning.  When I came in to work, I spent a few moments in meditation and then set about my work day, focusing, today, on taking things one at a time and doing them mindfully. 

 

Then . . . some of my workmates came in and began discussing one of those shows. 

 

For a moment, I found this irritating.  I do not care about this stuff and, as I said above, I have a pretty low opinion of these diversions.  When I stopped myself, though, and thought about this, I realized that these shows fill a very important part in the lives of my workmates no matter my opinion.  Like romance novels, these trips into the world of celebrity provide adventure and romance for these folks, even if it is only in their imagination.  Who am I to criticize if my colleagues want to spend a couple of hours diverting themselves with dreams of dancing or romancing or even being a sports superstar?

 

I still think that we pay these celebrities ridiculous amounts of money that could be better used elsewhere and I still have some serious reservations about entertainment that purports to be reality when, in fact, it is anything but.  However, I think that perhaps it is cruel of me and a little arrogant to act so superior when faced with these entertainments.  It seems that the universe is trying to lighten me up . . . again! 

Patience

Normally, I am a fairly patient person.  Like most people, I have things that trip my impatience triggers but I am not the sort of person who fidgets in lines or drives like the proverbial bat out of Hades simply to get to the next red light first.  Oftentimes, people describe me as very calm (usually because they can not see what is going on in my head) so it was something of a revelation to me to realize there is one place where I am VERY impatient: spiritual practice. 

 

I think that part of this impatience stems from my ongoing struggle with the spiritual exhaustion of depression and with some of the other things that rise to bite me from my past.  When I am plagued by the dark cloud, I want something that will fix it . . . now!!  In meditation this morning I realized that throughout the course of my life, I have been involved with a laundry list of spiritual practices and that I have had a tendency to move on when they did not fix my problem/s.

 

It is only in the last little while that I have come to the strong realization that no practice is going to be the panacea that makes my life one of fullness, acceptance and calm joy.  In order to live that full life that I long for, I have to stay with something long enough for it to take root, to sink those roots into the depths of my being and for something to grow from those roots.  It is not a matter of waving a wand or saying a mantra and *poof* I am all better.  It is a matter of being able to sit with myself, in the happy times and the painful times, and understand that all of this is life, that all of this has potential.

 

Some of those potentials I would like to drop from an aircraft at 35,000 feet but many of those glimpses of life are exciting and just might open up new paths to walk . . . if I am willing to wait long enough for the door to open instead of hammering on it and trying to knock it down. 

 

What do I want to be when I grow up

I have been going through all my past (and my present) jobs, listing the pros and cons of each.  The idea is that a pattern will emerge that could lead me to working out what I want to do for work in the future. 

 

Looking at my rather extensive list, I do see a pattern.  The aspects of my work that I have enjoyed have all revolved around helping people by providing them with information.  From giving directions to lost tourists to doing lectures for a nonprofit health organization to doing Tarot readings (didn't expect that one, did you?), the things that have given me the most job satisfaction have all pivoted around being an expert of some type and providing that expertise to others.  It did not even really matter to me whether people listened to what I had to say, the important thing to me was in getting the information out there. 

 

I also found that another of the things that I excelled at and that I enjoyed in my work was finding things and information for people.  When I worked for the nonprofit health organization, I spent a lot of time researching information on a variety of health issues and then providing that information to people in easily digestible form (translating "doctor speak" to English).  My short time working in a bookstore provided me with an opportunity to help people locate the books (information) they were looking for and then to make recommendations if I had familiarity with the subject. 

 

Adding to the patterns above, I am a stone bibliophile.  One of the toughest things for me in my simplicity campaign is letting go of books, even when I know that I am not going to read them again.  If I add all these things together, then it seems to me that I need to look at work where I do research and then provide that information to others.  Not sure what that looks like yet but I am sure I will be writing on it in the future. 

Seasons of the Soul

My status update for Facebook today talks about hearing the cry of gulls last night and seeing the first V of geese returning from southern climes this morning, honking their arrival for all to hear and, hopefully, appreciate.  As I point out in that little post, these signs of thawing are most welcome and this thought led to another - if we are actually microcosms of the macrocosm, then we, too, have seasons. 

 

If you spend some time meditating on this idea, you quickly discover that it is true and that, in fact, our society works at cross purposes to this reality.  American society expects that we will always be on, that we will produce no matter how we may be feeling and that this is "the way things are" and there is no changing them.  Thus we spend our days working at jobs that have been set up to resemble assembly lines - whether we are bankers or doctors - and then rush home to fill the remaining time with tasks that must be done before we go to our rest. 

 

Meditation and other forms of self development become tasks that occupy spaces on our daily (hopefully) calendar, a time slot where we actually take some time to explore who we really are.  The amusing thing is that, if we persist with these practices, we truly begin to sync to the seasons of our own soul. 

 

We step off the constantly revolving treadmill in our lives and look around us.  We see the greening of the grass as the snow peels slowly away.  We hear the voices of the birds as we step out the door in the morning and we can even identify some of them (I love the sentinel crow in my neighborhood and the cheeky cardinal who trumpets his presence in a tree near my bus stop).  If we really, radically, step off the treadmill we may even be conscious of the energy of spring beginning to rise in nature around us and in ourselves. 

 

Such thoughts and feelings are subversive to the status quo.  I am happy to be a subversive this morning. 

Happiness

I cannot tell if what the world considers 'happiness' is happiness or not. All I know is that when I consider the way they go about attaining it, I see them carried away headlong, grim and obsessed, in the general onrush of the human herd, unable to stop themselves or to change their direction. All the while they claim to be just on the point of attaining happiness . . .

 

The Taoist sage, Chuang Tzu

 

I sometimes send Taoist or Buddhist quotes to a couple of my workmates who have expressed an interest.  Consequently, I am always on the lookout for a good "Quote for the day" and I ran across this one on-line this morning. 

 

The image of a person being swept along by the "human herd" plunging "headlong, grim and obsessed" reminds me of so many of the people I see around me.  I want to stop some of these folks and ask them, "Where are you going in such a rush?  What is your goal?".  My feeling is that many of them would not have an adequate answer or, if they did, it would be something external to themselves that they will never be able to truly grasp. 

 

Money, power, fame, even a "cushy retirement".  These are all goals that people pursue with astonishing vigor but they are also goals that will always leave one just "on the point of attaining happiness".  How much money or power is truly enough?  How do you define fame and when do you have enough of it?  How do you know that you will live to take advantage of that cushy retirement? 

 

It has been said many times, in dozens of different ways, but the truth of living in the present moment remains a constant in the spiritual quest.  If you do not slow the car down, at least at times, you miss most of the scenery.  And, most importantly, you might just miss that sign that says "Bridge Out Ahead". 

 

I am following my own advice this morning.  After a head long rush to get some work done this morning, I am taking some time to breathe and to be before I go into round 2.  I might even get out my meditation app for lunch today. 

Taking time

This weekend was busy and I knew that I had a pile of work on my desk for Monday since I worked from home Friday.  Yesterday, I found myself getting stressed about my TTD list for today and I made a conscious decision to set my concern aside and to deal with what needed dealing with as it came up today. 

 

This morning, when I got up, I followed my normal routine - feed the animals, clean up, prepare lunch - until I came to the part where I spend a few minutes sitting, reading the news on my iPhone.  I got the device, looked at the weather and then set the phone aside so that I could spend some time in meditation before I left for the day. 

 

It is amazing what even a little step outside the routine can do.  Meditating actually helped me set aside some of my stress about the day and allowed me to go off and begin my activities without that hurried sense that I usually carry when I know I am going to be busy.  I have been very productive this morning and am taking a short break to write this blog.  Then, I will plunge back into the fray, refreshed from having gone hands off for a little while. 

 

I detest being rushed.  What I am finding though is that much of the rush that I feel is internal and not, as I often perceive, the result of someone dropping something more on my plate.  I am hoping that I am going to learn something about the elasticity of time. 

 

 

Writing

My iPhone buzzed a little while ago . . . incoming email.  When I had a moment, I checked the mail and it was from the publisher that I submitted my novella early this year.  Unfortunately, the email was a form rejection notice. 

Such an outcome was not totally unexpected.  Everything that I have read about the publishing industry tells me that it is hard to get anything published, especially if you are a 'first timer'.  It is something like applying for a job when you have no experience.  You can be terribly well suited to do the job but, if you have not done it before, most employers do not want to take the chance on you. 

I have been thinking about what I might do, in the event of a rejection.  Will I submit to other publishers or just let this drop?  Honestly, I am not sure.  Writing is something I like to do; I enjoy it and I am not going to stop doing it because someone says that my work does not fit their niche.  This blog is evidence of that.  What I am not sure of is whether I want to continue to pursue publication (fiction or non-fiction). 

Something else for me to percolate.  

Spring really is coming

The ancient Celts celebrated a festival called Imbolc around the beginning of February.  It was their acknowledgement that, even though winter still held the land in its grip, the spark of light within the earth was alive and spring was coming. 

I've always thought that, at least where I live, the Celts were a little early.  At the beginning of February in the Buffalo area, winter still has a powerful and often snowy hold on the land and there seem to be no indicators that the trees will bud and burst into leaf any time soon.  But, in early March, the story is different. 

I stood outside at the bus stop this morning and breathed deeply in the still, cold air.  It was thirty degrees and the wind took that temperature down into the twenties but, undaunted, a lone cardinal sat at the top of a tree singing loudly, letting everyone know that this was his turf.  Off in the distance, the crow that I call The Sentinel cawed loudly, gathering the flock for another days foraging. 

Snow still covered the ground and, in between the song of the cardinal, the cawing of the crows and the passing of cars, silence still reins in the wood that surrounds my home.  The falling of that silence signals the beginning of winter to me and the breaking of that silence, by bird song and crow caw and human or animal movement, is a sign that winter is passing. 

As I stood, breathing deeply and being as present as my grasshopper brain will allow, I thought that I could actually feel life beginning to return to the trees, almost as though the old ones were cracking their eyes and looking about to see if the time to rise had come.  In another few weeks, they will stretch and come out of their 'beds', green will burst forth everywhere  . . . spring really is coming. 

Thinking About the Future

I am thinking about the future today. 

While part of my practice is to try to live my life more and more in the present, it is sometimes necessary for us to plan for what is to come.  In previous posts, I have noted that my wife and I are working, one hour at a time, each week, toward simplifying our lives so that we can relocate in 2011. 

Part of that plan is giving me a problem though.  I have considered several different options for that time period when I am transplanted - going to school for clinical laboratory work or acupuncture, for example - but I have not hit on something that I am really passionate about doing. 

Yesterday, I read a guest blog on Zen Habits about bad work, good work and great work.  As I noted, I have been stuck firmly in the bad/good work category and have done very little great work, work that was fulfilling and that I was passionate about doing.  Part of my commitment to myself this year is to work out for myself what that great work might look like and, to that end, I asked my teacher about it last night. 

His suggestion was to go back through my work history and look at jobs I have done.  What did I like about them?  What did I detest?  As I look at my previous work, I should see some patterns begin to develop and be able to list out some of the things that I am looking for in a career.  My feeling is that, when I am done and have had a chance to percolate, the pieces will fall together into something I have never considered before. 

I am excited about this process but also, as is usual with me, filled with some trepidation.  If I discover some thing or things that I really want to be doing then, in the next step, I will have to move out of my hunkered down, defensive, survival mode and go do them.  Right now, in this present moment, I have to remember Lao Tzu's words that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. 

Great Work

I took Friday off so I am coming back from a nice long weekend and trying to get back into the swing of things this morning.


I noted, when I opened my Reader this morning, that Zen Habits (http://zenhabits.net/) had a new post up about killing busy work. Reading this post had a strong effect on me. If I look at the statistical tables, my life expectancy is another 28.85 years. Now, I have no intention of setting the intent that I will only live that long but, thinking about the end of ones life does add some urgency to what the guest blogger is saying. Almost all of my work life has fallen into the Bad Work or Good Work category. I am an expert at settling and, though I have had some fulfilling experiences doing work in the nonprofit and volunteer realms, those experiences have not comprised more than 5% of my entire work life (and probably much less than that). Mostly, I have worked to survive.


So, along with my commitment to lose weight and submit a novella for publication this year, I am setting a new goal for myself: to spend some time, energy and meditation on exploring what would be a fulfilling career for me. I have the chance to go back to school and do pretty much whatever I want to do summer after next. I will not waste that wondrous opportunity.