Ruminations on God

Aug 20, 2010 10:03 AM

This will likely go into my blog as well.

Ruminations on God

I have been thinking a good bit about God lately.  Some of the books that I have been reading of late have the personified image of God as a part of their belief system.  I don't see anything inherently wrong with this but it is something that I have struggled with since breaking away from the Christian church some time ago.

So, let's dispense with the whole Old Guy in the Sky image that so many people hold of God.  Even theologians in those traditions realize that this is a silly image, often retained from Sunday school, that folks still cling to.  Theologians use words like ineffable and mysterious to describe their God concept and, the more they talk, the more you realize they really have no clue what they are talking about - they are simply building defensive ramparts around their ideas about God.

Reading the mystics is somewhat more enlightening since these people seem to have and encourage a direct experience of God but, what they end up saying, is that the experience is indescribable.  Once they have established  that there are no words for their experience, they then promptly begin to use lots of words, from whatever religious tradition they belong to, to try to describe that experience.  Try reading Evelyn Underhill's book on mysticism sometime if you do not believe me.  Massive tome which rapidly leads one to the conclusion that mystics are verbose people who use a lot of words to tell you that they can not tell you what they are trying to tell because it is not possible.

I realize that is an unfair assessment of mystics and that there are a number of beautiful mystical texts that point us in the right direction but the paragraph above portrays some of the frustration that the seeker faces when he or she is trying to explore these things for himself.

So, what, you might ask, do you think of God.  My simple answer?  There isn't one.

Now, before you brand me an irreligious heathen, I am talking very specifically about this Person that everyone seems to think is floating around out there.  No such Person.  What there is and what I think all these mystics have been tapping into and been unable to describe is a matrix . . . a fundamental energy template upon which creation is based and which is intelligent in a way that we can not even begin to understand or comprehend.  Like the Force in Star Wars, this template seems to have a will of it's own and perhaps even intelligence but what we can know about it is extremely limited since it is literally everything.  Personally, I think that a second's unlimited contact with this universal energy field would literally disintegrate any corporeal being.

The mystic or mage or shaman or . . . . whatever who has an experience of "oneness" or "union with God" or is experiencing some small part of this energy, a tiny tap in to the Force, if you will.  What I have discovered over time is this - while the Ineffable truly is ineffable and our human minds can not even begin to wrap themselves around even a small portion of "God", all is not lost.  One of the fundamental things I think you can say about the universal energy field is that it loves diversity and a huge number of beings, both corporeal and incorporeal exist within that field.  A lot of those beings seem pretty determined to give human beings at least a taste of that ineffable experience.  I am pretty sure that is why there is such a huge number of religious expressions throughout the cultures of the world.  Everyone is trying to grasp that which can not be grasped.    

 

Afterlife

As the result of some of my recent reading, I have been thinking a good bit about life after death lately.  It is one of the great mysteries of human life - what happens to us when we die?  Einstein tells us that energy never ceases to exist; it simply changes form.  Certainly, it is true that the physical body returns to its constituent elements, as in the Genesis phrase, ashes to ashes and dust to dust.  The trouble comes when we consider the force that animates those “ashes”, what some might call a soul.

A hard and fast materialist will argue that there is no such thing; that humans are simply a high order animal with a remarkable ability to manipulate their environment.  Very few people seem to buy into that notion though and that is where the argument really begins because, even though we do not know for certain what becomes of us after death, humans seem pretty eager to convince others that their version of the afterlife is correct.  

Humans also seem to have a remarkable facility for assembling stories about the afterlife and then using them in religions as means of social control.  Look at what happens to you in the afterlife if you do not lead a ‘good’ life in any other major religions of the world.  If you do not abide by the recognized proper behaviors, the best that you can hope for seems to be a lower rebirth (Buddhism) but you could just as easily end up in a very hot place for eternity (Christianity and Islam come to mind).  Even the Spiritualists, whose afterlife seems pretty harmless, own the idea that, if you have not acted according to their set of Natural Laws, then you are are likely to undergo rather extensive counseling after you “cross over”.  

So, is the afterlife simply a myth devised by societies to get humans beings to behave in a manner that is conducive to the ongoing needs of the society?  I honestly do not know but it is certainly an element of the afterlife equation.  All anyone can really go on when considering what happens after the corporeal form ceases to exist is that equation mentioned above.  Energy does not cease to exist; it simply changes form.  If, like me, you believe that there is something more to a human being than a 1.99 bag of chemicals, you need to consider this profound question.  

Set aside your religious opinions for a moment and really think about what could happen to the fundamental energy that makes you different from the person next to you.  I’ll say more as I continue to think on this one but I want to leave you with one thought.  One of my teachers was very fond of an idea that he read in a book called The Body of Myth.  The author of that work propounded the idea, which I have seen echoed in other esoteric writings, that what happens to us after we die is guided, in large part, by what we believe will happen to us.  

Dreams

I have been thinking a lot about dreams lately.  When I was younger, I brought dreams back from my sleeping time all the time but some time ago, and I can not quite remember when, I stopped remembering dreams.  I tried any number of 'fixes' that I read about but nothing seemed to help so I resigned myself to falling into oblivion each night and went on.  After all, I had a whole daytime life to live. 

Still, I felt vaguely jealous whenever someone told me about the ‘weird dream' that they had the night before.  I remembered dreaming and some of the best spiritual guidance (and most puzzling) I ever received came in dreams.  I could not pretend that I understood my dreams but, if I spent enough time with them, some nugget of insight almost always came forth.  My dreams were a rich source of journalling fodder.

Just to add to my dream lust, every now and again, I would bring back a dream or, more likely, some fragment of a dream.  Hope would spark in me that the long drought was over but then the oblivious nights would begin again - immediately - and I would go back to dreaming of having dreams.  

For some reason that I can not explain, that seems to have changed over the weekend.  I have had dreams that I brought back to consciousness three of the the past five nights and I was aware, on the nights when I did not recall a dream, that I was dreaming.  At least one of those dreams seems to have a real message for me and I have been sitting with it for a couple of days.  Mostly though, I am just happy to have a nightscape back.  

As I said, I have no idea what provoked this change.  Stacey has been working intently with her dreams as per our teacher’s instruction and that may have something do with it.   I have been re-reading a Tom Cowan book about core shamanism as a spiritual practice and the presence of that energy could certainly have something to do with my renewed night rambles.  It could simply be that I have arrived in a place on the path where I have a need to access that information.  

Whatever the cause, I am just happy to be getting those night time messages again.  Sure, most dreams are simply your consciousness downloading from the day but even those dreams are useful monitors of your subconscious.  Occasionally though, one has a dream that is a very clear message from . . . elsewhere.  Spirit, God, the spirits, whatever designation you wish to use.  Those clear, life like dreams are the ones that I really missed and I have been fortunate enough to have one in this interlude.  

So, if you are one of those people, like Stacey, who dreams regularly, enjoy it and pay attention.  You never know when that gift might be denied you for a while.  For the most part, dreams are something to be grateful for.  Listen to them, work with them and be happy you have them.  

Prayer II

My last post was on prayer but I do not think that I have exhausted the topic by any means.

This morning I woke to the sound of thunder. The sky was ominously dark and the wind was beginning to pick up. In short, we had a classic Western New York thunderstorm rolling in and, sure enough, as I dressed, the rain began to come down.

I have to walk a third of a mile, in the open, and then stand out waiting for my bus each morning. I am exposed to the elements for 15 minutes or more as I wait so I have rain gear for days like today. No matter how well prepared you are though, you are going to get a little wet.

I have been working on being grateful of late so, as I stood making my lunch this morning, I focused on what the Lakota would call the wakinyan, the Thunder Beings, and thanked them for bringing rain to the land and norishing our Mother, the Earth. I asked, quietly, that the rain might be soft and nourishing so that the Earth could derive the maximum benefit from it and so that I might avoid getting soaked as I made my way to work.

Long story short, the rain had subsided by the time that I left the house and continued in abeyance even after I got downtown. It seems to be raining gently outside now - a nourishing rain that will benefit the earth. Could be a coincidence, I suppose. Then again, I think that, were I a Thunder Being, I would be more likely to listen to someone who spoke respectfully to me rather than all the folks who look to the sky and curse the rain as an inconvenience.

The Lakota end their prayers with the phrase "mitakuye oyasin" - all my relations - as a way of acknowledging that all beings are their relatives and that they pray for the sake of all their relatives and not just for themselves. I like this idea; prayer is simply talking to your relatives or to the One Power from whence those relatives come.

As I said in my last post, offering prayers is not for everyone but it is something for every person on a spiritual path to investigate. My experience is that prayer makes me more deeply aware of the One and of the infinite diversity of "all my relations".

Prayer

I was talking to my wife the other day and mentioned that I say prayers every day.  She looked at me and asked me what I pray to and that set me to thinking about why I use prayer as a way of relating to the One.

Buddhism and Taoism tend to be nontheistic philosophies but, if you look at them in their cultural religious forms, there is still a good bit of praying going on.I think the reason for prayer is pretty simple.

It is one thing to have an intellectual understanding that there is a Power that flows through the universe (whatever you want to call that) and that our job as humans is to try to move in the flow of that Power.  The next big question that arises, once one has accepted this premise, is how?  How does one align oneself with that Power in order to live life effectively and to the fullest potential.

The answer to that question is, I think, wholly dependent on the person.  Some individuals will align through the use of meditation practices.  Others will see and feel the Power in formal religious rituals and disciplines.  Still others will require movement or rhythm to come into contact with the Power.

It is often the case that a single person may need to use a number of techniques to come into contact with the force that flows through all things.  For myself, movement (as in tai chi and chi gung) and prayer are my primary ways of relating to the Power.  The movement actually allows me to feel the flow of the Power around me (on a good day :-)) but prayer is my time of personally relating to the Power, what Lakota people called Wakan Tanka, the Great Mystery.

Yes, I am guilty of blatant personalization.  I feel, when I pray, that Someone is listening.  You can explain that feeling in any way that makes you comfortable because this is my subjective reality and it works for me.  Your mileage may vary.

What is important in all this thinking is the idea that we need to experiment to see what hooks us up with that Power.  Too often, our relationship to the Source is dictated by outside influences - family or friends, for instance.  As we look for ways to express our true nature, we have to realize that part of that nature is finding our connection to the Power, seeking what works best for us and then working with that to move ourselves into the flow of life.

Wrong Side of Bed

Did you ever have one of those days where you woke up "on the wrong side of the bed"? 

I read a good bit of on-line content but it always seems to me that people, in particular bloggers, and even bloggers who are trying to encourage self-development or spirituality, neglect the fact that not everyone is starting from a place of determination or motivation or engagement.  Some mornings, we wake up, look out the window and just want to go back to bed.  We drag ourselves out of bed from a sense of duty and routine and we haul our carcasses off to work because we really don't want to use up vacation time indulging a bad mood. 

I am sure that most people who read this will be able to relate to what  am saying.  So, if you are on a spiritual 
path, how do you deal skillfully with a morning where you want to crawl back under the covers and tell the world you are taking a pass on the day?  I would love to be able to give you a point by point breakdown on what you should do when the morning blahs strike but life is not as simple as some (usually people who get up happy no matter what) would have you believe.  I will tell you what I did when I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. 

First of all, I got up anyway.  There were places to go and things to do and even though I did not feel like it, I allowed that knowledge to get me out of bed and into the shower.  I immersed myself in my morning routine to get myself moving and, even though I was cranky, and family around me knew it, I tried to put on as good a face as I could manage.  Sometimes, if you try to act happy it is contagious and you begin to feel happy. 

That strategy did not work for me this morning since I really was feeling rushed.  No excuses.  I was cranky but I tried to keep the damage to a minimum by keeping my mouth shut.  Not an easy task in a household with two 'larks' who are busily buzzing around and asking questions.

I made it out of the house without too much drama and accomplished the task that I had to get done early today.  Then I utilized the time in the car and then on the bus to pull myself together.  I said my morning prayers in the car (offering thoughts for others is always a good way to divert yourself from feeling grumpy) and then used the bus ride for meditation.  The bus dropped me off in front of work earlier than usual so I took the opportunity to take a short walk and, while I walked, I outlined to myself some of the reasons that I have to be grateful.  This always helps me to adjust my perception and I strongly encourage people to try it when they are feeling down.  Just thinking about the things you have to be grateful for seems to elevate mood when nothing else can.

Finally, I sat down and wrote this blog.  On another day, I might have made an entry in my journal, but today I am writing this in hopes that it will help someone else move past a "slow start" morning.  I am smiling now so it is possible to work with the wrong side of the bed syndrome but it takes a little time and space.  I am grateful to have a family that (usually) allows me that time and space :-)

Why be normal?

Last week, I spoke about sacrifice and what that word might actually mean. In meditating a little on that concept, it occured to me that those who are prepared to sacrifice, that is, those who want to move toward wholeness and are desirous of a connection with all that is, will run headlong into a terrible word that has haunted me since my youth: normal.

Many of those that have explored alternative spiritual pathways, whatever they might be, have at some point been faced with one of these statements:

"That's just not . . . normal!"

"Why can't you just be normal?"

"Normal people don't do . . . "

I have never met anyone who could give me a really good definition of what normal was so I looked it up:

www.thefreedictionay.com
. Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical:

www.myetymology.com
derived from the Late Latin word normalis

derived from the Latin word norma (rule, square used by carpenters, hence standard viewpoint; rule; carpenter's square; standard, pattern)

Basically, what people are saying when they accuse the spiritual seeker of not being normal, is that the seeker is not adhering to a "standard, pattern, level, or type". This should put on the brakes for any thinking person because it instantly begs the question: who set the standard or laid down the rule, who defined what was "typical" and why should I be beholden to this definition?

The proponent of "normalcy" will then, often smugly or with irritation, tell the seeker that normalcy is defined by society. While it is true that certain behaviors seem to be outside the bounds of almost all societies (premeditated murder, for example), there is such a huge variation in what is acceptable in any given society that it renders this argument specious at best.

So, when we look hard at what the proponent of normalcy is actually saying, we find that he or she is, most often, arguing for behavior that he or she considers normal. In other words, that person is trying to get the seeker to meet their expectations.

Part of what my Taoist teacher constantly harps on is the idea of finding your true nature and then living according to that nature.

If you are a person of faith and that is truly who you are, then that is who you are even if 'normal' people can only believe in what they can perceive with their five senses.

If you are a person who sees and feels the presence of All That Is or God or the Force or whatever you choose to call it, in the wind soughing through the trees or the roar of the waves at the beach, then that is who you are, even if "normal" people only encounter their deity in church.

If you are a person who has peak spiritual experiences while doing tai chi or dancing or running down a long road, then that is who you are even if 'normal' people don't have these experiences or can only encounter them through some other set of rituals and practices.

In short, like the bumper sticker, I would ask you: why be normal?

Sacrifice

Sacrifice:

derived from the Latin word sacrificare (sacrifice; celebrate the Mass)

derived from the Latin word sacrum (sacrifice; sacred vessel; religious rites)

using the Late Latin suffix -ficare

derived from the Latin word facere (to make; act, take action, be active; compose, write; classify; do, make; create; make, build, construct; produce; produce by growth; bring forth)

I heard someone talk about the sacrifices that they make for their children the other day and it got me to thinking about the word sacrifice.

When many people hear that word, they flinch  internally.  Sacrifice brings to mind images of animal slaughter in ancient rites or, at the least, an unpleasant giving up of something one would rather not give up.  In general, the word sacrifice does not have a very good odour in modern day America.  

If, however, we look at the roots of the word, we can see that sacrifice originally meant to make something holy.  Notice all the action verbs in the root: to make, act, take action, do, create etc.  Sacrifice today often implies a passive giving up such as the Lenten sacrifices of modern day Christians but, in its original context, sacrifice implied the doing of something - an action which created something holy. 

If we follow this idea, we have to ask what holy means or meant.

The English word holy dates back to at least the 11th Century with the Old English word hālig, an adjective derived from hāl meaning whole and used to mean 'uninjured, sound, healthy, entire, complete’.

So, with a little etymological jump we can say that a sacrifice is actually the act of making something "uninjured, sound, healthy, entire, complete".  Sacrifice is not a passive act of giving up and putting aside but an active act of healing and completion and wholeness.  Any action that we do to remove our sense of otherness and separateness , any action that we perform to increases our sense that all beings are our relations, is, in the best sense of the word, a sacrifice. 

(Sources for etymology were:

 

The Monastery II

My experiment with awareness breaks throughout my busy day continues. While I can not say that I now calmly sit in the center of the storm that is my work or that I never lose my temper over someone else's silliness, I can say that I seem to be quicker to catch myself when I start to respond from a place of ego/anger. Today, for example, I am not feeling well. My neurological issues are taking center stage since I have not had enough sleep and they are manifesting as pain and numbness in all sorts of interesting places. I had to speak to a person out in the field this morning and found that I was a little severe with her so, after some reflection on this interaction, I decided that today was going to be another of those days when I chose to speak only when spoken to. Now, I have done this before and, in fact, I am pretty sure I noted a similar action early in this blog. The difference is that this time I did not actually go off on someone. Instead, I was able to step back, look at an annoying interaction and see that I just was not (and am not) in a place to be dealing with people today. Fortunately, I have a job that allows me, for the most part, to hold people at arm's length (via email and messaging) if needed. I know that some would accuse me of ducking the issue, of conflict avoidance etc etc. My response is simple. Part of working in the Taoist tradition involves understanding your essential nature. One of the things that I know about myself is that, while I can be sociable if I have to be, essentially I am an introvert. Interacting with a lot of people drains my batteries and, if I am not feeling well, that problem is exacerbated. So, if I realize that I am not feeling prime physically, why should I place myself in situation that I know will cause what the Buddhists like to call afflictive emotions? In this case, I see my strategy as a way of strategic retreat so that I can continue on my way relatively unscathed.

Gratefulness

I found a terrific website the other day that I would like to share with anyone who happens to read this:

www.gratefulness.org

From the website:

A Network for Grateful Living (ANG*L)

is dedicated to providing education and support for the practice of grateful living as a global ethic, based on the teachings of Br. David Steindl-Rast and colleagues.  Gratefulness is a universal principle that serves as the core inspiration for personal growth, cross-cultural understanding, interfaith dialogue, intergenerational respect, nonviolent conflict resolution, and ecological sustainability.

For those who may not know, Br. Steindl-Rast is a Camaldolese Benedictine, one of the more contemplative groups in the Benedictine community, who has written a number of books on spiritual practice and been a leader in interfaith monastic efforts.  The site has a wealth of resources for connecting to the Divine, in whatever way you view it, and I highly recommend it to anyone who needs a spiritual lift. 

I would especially suggest taking a look at the "Angels of the Hours" section, a beautiful way to intersperse contemplation through your day, based on the prayer times outlined in the Rule of Benedict.  The illustrations are beautiful and the guidance in the hours that I have looked at is simple but profound.

Everything and Nothing

Paradox is one of the things about Taoism, and, more broadly, mystical experience that makes people crazy.  Ask a Taoist master a question and, chances are, you will get anything but a logical, linear answer. 

During our weekly session with our teacher Monday, Stacey asked about Taoist afterlife beliefs.  Specifically, she mentioned the theory that our 'souls' (whatever those are) are dipped from an 'ocean' of admixed being and that, when we die, those souls, with all their experience, return to that ocean only to have pieces and parts dipped up and incarnated again.  Our teacher said that this was true but that it was also not true. 

We spent the better part of an hour dissecting that one idea, even getting into a discussion of channeling at one point, only to come to the conclusion, at the end of the session, that this belief is only one of various potentials to do with the afterlife.  The short answer is that there are any number of things that might  happen to us when we die but that we really do not know so we need to spend our time worrying about living now instead of what happens when we pass over. 

People who study the Way, in whatever form this takes for them, want answers.  That is part of the reason that they take up the study; they can no longer settle for the pat answers handed them by society or, perhaps, some organized religion.  This is a good attribute, this burning curiosity about what is, but it is also a stumbling block since, to paraphrase, the Way that can be named is not the enduring and unchanging Way.  One of the frustrating characteristics of a true mystical experience is that it is almost impossible to talk about. 

Those experiences are transcendent but there is nothing to transcend.  They are holy, in the sense of making wholeness, but can happen on a city bus or an urban slum.  They take us out of ourselves while making us more totally and completely who we are.  They are everything . . . and they are nothing.

The Monastery

After my weekly teacher discussion, my assignment this week is to take 7 minutes in the morning, then again at lunch and, finally, at the end of the day and simply be aware of what is going on around me at work.  I have found this to be a very interesting exercise.  Most of the time, when we meditate, we are focused on some aspect within ourselves - our breath, a mantra, a visualization, etc - but this exercise actually requires me to focus out.

The result of this work is that a sort of silence seems to fall around me once I settle and it seems to me that my awareness spreads out around me like a pool.  I am acutely aware of the tiny sounds that we usually discard as minutiae - the soft scuff of shoes on carpet, the co-worker muttering to themselves several cubes down, pencils scratching on paper, the whirring of the copy machine as it sits in standby.  In addition, there is a feeling of pressure as people move through this "awareness field", almost like a boat making a bow wave in water.  I am betting that, with a little practice, I will actually be able to identify people by their "bow wave". 

While the results of the exercise are fascinating in themselves, I find that this exercise, with its enforced time regimen, reminds me of the days of my monastic interest where the Liturgy of the Hours wove a constant thread through each day, providing a structure for the waking hours but also requiring strict attention since the Hours changed from day to day and week to week.  I once knew a Benedictine sister whose favorite metaphor for a life governed by the Rule of Benedict and its commitment to the praying of the Hours was that of a garden lattice which provided the structure for a plant to grow up toward the sun. 

Perhaps I am in the process of constructing my own lattice . . .

Patterns

I often wonder what lesson the Universe is driving home to me when things around me happen in multiples.  I guess that, like some of the ancients, if something seems to be happening around me a lot, I see that as an omen - a sign from the Powers That Be that I need to pay attention to something. 

 

In my current situation, I have had three people at my work become very ill in the last couple of weeks.  One person has been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, one has suffered a TIA and the last went home today looking more like a ghost than human being.  Rumors are buzzing about his health status all over the floor. 

 

Of course, this could all be a giant coincidence but I am not a big believer in coicidences.  Given my own health issues, which seem to be going through a cycle of exacerbation, I am considering what lesson I am to learn from all this, what it is that I am supposed to pay attention to? 

 

The logical first thought is that I need to pay attention to my health.  While I seem to be having a "flare" these days, in general, I am doing most of what I can to work with my physical body.  I have improved my diet, lost almost 40 pounds, developed a regular exercise routine and worked out an ongoing course of acupuncture. 

 

If not my health, then what? Certainly, since at least two of the diseases around me are life threatening to a greater or lesser extent, the situation could be a message to look at my life in view of my own mortality.  I would "buy into" this idea more if I were not coming from a period of deep introspection where I made some choices about what I want to do and where I want to go in the next few years. 

 

In the end, I think that I have to consider that this is a lesson in how to react to the bumps in life's road.  I was considering how each of the people above reacted to their illness.  The reactions ranged from positive attitude and determination to depression, confusion and resignation.  I have been working a lot with developing a more positive, relaxed attitude toward life and it seems to me that the people around me are mirroring that, showing me the difference that attitude can make in the most critical situation. 

 

I wish all my co-workers well and send positive thoughts for their speedy recovery. 

Breathing

I am breathing today.  Now, I know that I have to breathe.  It is one of those things that you do if you are still inhabiting a physical body but this breathing is the result of something that my Taoist teacher told me the other day. 

 

We were talking about jobs and my teacher stated that almost any job can be made into a monastic opportunity; something that he defined, amongst other things, as living in your nature, supporting a community and practicing kindness.  I have often described my cubicle as a sort of little cave so I thought this would be a great place to try out his assertion. 

 

Accordingly, I have begun coming into work, settling in, turning the computer on and then, before I do anything else, I take a few moments to breathe and really center myself before beginning the day.  I focus on doing one thing at a time, deliberately working at not multi-tasking and, when I catch myself doing several things at once, prioritizing what I am doing and bring things back into line.  I stop periodically through my day, sit for a moment and gather myself, breathing deeply into my center and enjoying that breath. 

 

When I go to the fax machine, I take a moment to look out the window and admire the changing view from the 18th floor of this building.  At lunch, I spend some time in spiritual reading and study of one sort or the other before going on to do something fun like reading Loren Coleman's Mysterious America.

 

This strategy has not been completely successful; I have had some crazy busy days of late where I have struggled to even remember that there is anything outside of work or I have gotten so "into" my practice that I actually felt irritated when people came into my cube to interrupt me. 

 

I am still not quite sure what effect this is having on me.  I will write more when I have a better idea but, for now, I know that the effort seems to be helping me to be a little lighter and more humorous, even when the work is flying thick and fast. 

Circus Maximus

I am quite guilty of rolling my eyes at the cult of celebrity that pervades my work place.  I do not need to watch television to know exactly what is going on with the popular ballroom dancing show or the series that features young performers trying to break into the 'big time'.  I can sit and listen on any day to hear about the ups and downs of just about any of the 'reality' shows that draw a wide audience. 

 

For a long time, listening to these conversations, I rolled them into the category of worthless tripe and went on.  What could it possibly matter to me what happened in these contrived entertainments?  Like one of my blessed teachers, who has since gone through the veil, I viewed these shows as part of the 'circus maximus', events that are designed to keep the general populace entertained and unaware while 'Rome' falls down around their ears. 

 

Last night, my Taoist teacher mentioned that those of us who work in cube farms have a perfect opportunity to practice a sort of monastic lifestyle and I wanted to try putting that idea into practice this morning.  When I came in to work, I spent a few moments in meditation and then set about my work day, focusing, today, on taking things one at a time and doing them mindfully. 

 

Then . . . some of my workmates came in and began discussing one of those shows. 

 

For a moment, I found this irritating.  I do not care about this stuff and, as I said above, I have a pretty low opinion of these diversions.  When I stopped myself, though, and thought about this, I realized that these shows fill a very important part in the lives of my workmates no matter my opinion.  Like romance novels, these trips into the world of celebrity provide adventure and romance for these folks, even if it is only in their imagination.  Who am I to criticize if my colleagues want to spend a couple of hours diverting themselves with dreams of dancing or romancing or even being a sports superstar?

 

I still think that we pay these celebrities ridiculous amounts of money that could be better used elsewhere and I still have some serious reservations about entertainment that purports to be reality when, in fact, it is anything but.  However, I think that perhaps it is cruel of me and a little arrogant to act so superior when faced with these entertainments.  It seems that the universe is trying to lighten me up . . . again! 

Patience

Normally, I am a fairly patient person.  Like most people, I have things that trip my impatience triggers but I am not the sort of person who fidgets in lines or drives like the proverbial bat out of Hades simply to get to the next red light first.  Oftentimes, people describe me as very calm (usually because they can not see what is going on in my head) so it was something of a revelation to me to realize there is one place where I am VERY impatient: spiritual practice. 

 

I think that part of this impatience stems from my ongoing struggle with the spiritual exhaustion of depression and with some of the other things that rise to bite me from my past.  When I am plagued by the dark cloud, I want something that will fix it . . . now!!  In meditation this morning I realized that throughout the course of my life, I have been involved with a laundry list of spiritual practices and that I have had a tendency to move on when they did not fix my problem/s.

 

It is only in the last little while that I have come to the strong realization that no practice is going to be the panacea that makes my life one of fullness, acceptance and calm joy.  In order to live that full life that I long for, I have to stay with something long enough for it to take root, to sink those roots into the depths of my being and for something to grow from those roots.  It is not a matter of waving a wand or saying a mantra and *poof* I am all better.  It is a matter of being able to sit with myself, in the happy times and the painful times, and understand that all of this is life, that all of this has potential.

 

Some of those potentials I would like to drop from an aircraft at 35,000 feet but many of those glimpses of life are exciting and just might open up new paths to walk . . . if I am willing to wait long enough for the door to open instead of hammering on it and trying to knock it down. 

 

What do I want to be when I grow up

I have been going through all my past (and my present) jobs, listing the pros and cons of each.  The idea is that a pattern will emerge that could lead me to working out what I want to do for work in the future. 

 

Looking at my rather extensive list, I do see a pattern.  The aspects of my work that I have enjoyed have all revolved around helping people by providing them with information.  From giving directions to lost tourists to doing lectures for a nonprofit health organization to doing Tarot readings (didn't expect that one, did you?), the things that have given me the most job satisfaction have all pivoted around being an expert of some type and providing that expertise to others.  It did not even really matter to me whether people listened to what I had to say, the important thing to me was in getting the information out there. 

 

I also found that another of the things that I excelled at and that I enjoyed in my work was finding things and information for people.  When I worked for the nonprofit health organization, I spent a lot of time researching information on a variety of health issues and then providing that information to people in easily digestible form (translating "doctor speak" to English).  My short time working in a bookstore provided me with an opportunity to help people locate the books (information) they were looking for and then to make recommendations if I had familiarity with the subject. 

 

Adding to the patterns above, I am a stone bibliophile.  One of the toughest things for me in my simplicity campaign is letting go of books, even when I know that I am not going to read them again.  If I add all these things together, then it seems to me that I need to look at work where I do research and then provide that information to others.  Not sure what that looks like yet but I am sure I will be writing on it in the future. 

Seasons of the Soul

My status update for Facebook today talks about hearing the cry of gulls last night and seeing the first V of geese returning from southern climes this morning, honking their arrival for all to hear and, hopefully, appreciate.  As I point out in that little post, these signs of thawing are most welcome and this thought led to another - if we are actually microcosms of the macrocosm, then we, too, have seasons. 

 

If you spend some time meditating on this idea, you quickly discover that it is true and that, in fact, our society works at cross purposes to this reality.  American society expects that we will always be on, that we will produce no matter how we may be feeling and that this is "the way things are" and there is no changing them.  Thus we spend our days working at jobs that have been set up to resemble assembly lines - whether we are bankers or doctors - and then rush home to fill the remaining time with tasks that must be done before we go to our rest. 

 

Meditation and other forms of self development become tasks that occupy spaces on our daily (hopefully) calendar, a time slot where we actually take some time to explore who we really are.  The amusing thing is that, if we persist with these practices, we truly begin to sync to the seasons of our own soul. 

 

We step off the constantly revolving treadmill in our lives and look around us.  We see the greening of the grass as the snow peels slowly away.  We hear the voices of the birds as we step out the door in the morning and we can even identify some of them (I love the sentinel crow in my neighborhood and the cheeky cardinal who trumpets his presence in a tree near my bus stop).  If we really, radically, step off the treadmill we may even be conscious of the energy of spring beginning to rise in nature around us and in ourselves. 

 

Such thoughts and feelings are subversive to the status quo.  I am happy to be a subversive this morning. 

Happiness

I cannot tell if what the world considers 'happiness' is happiness or not. All I know is that when I consider the way they go about attaining it, I see them carried away headlong, grim and obsessed, in the general onrush of the human herd, unable to stop themselves or to change their direction. All the while they claim to be just on the point of attaining happiness . . .

 

The Taoist sage, Chuang Tzu

 

I sometimes send Taoist or Buddhist quotes to a couple of my workmates who have expressed an interest.  Consequently, I am always on the lookout for a good "Quote for the day" and I ran across this one on-line this morning. 

 

The image of a person being swept along by the "human herd" plunging "headlong, grim and obsessed" reminds me of so many of the people I see around me.  I want to stop some of these folks and ask them, "Where are you going in such a rush?  What is your goal?".  My feeling is that many of them would not have an adequate answer or, if they did, it would be something external to themselves that they will never be able to truly grasp. 

 

Money, power, fame, even a "cushy retirement".  These are all goals that people pursue with astonishing vigor but they are also goals that will always leave one just "on the point of attaining happiness".  How much money or power is truly enough?  How do you define fame and when do you have enough of it?  How do you know that you will live to take advantage of that cushy retirement? 

 

It has been said many times, in dozens of different ways, but the truth of living in the present moment remains a constant in the spiritual quest.  If you do not slow the car down, at least at times, you miss most of the scenery.  And, most importantly, you might just miss that sign that says "Bridge Out Ahead". 

 

I am following my own advice this morning.  After a head long rush to get some work done this morning, I am taking some time to breathe and to be before I go into round 2.  I might even get out my meditation app for lunch today. 

Taking time

This weekend was busy and I knew that I had a pile of work on my desk for Monday since I worked from home Friday.  Yesterday, I found myself getting stressed about my TTD list for today and I made a conscious decision to set my concern aside and to deal with what needed dealing with as it came up today. 

 

This morning, when I got up, I followed my normal routine - feed the animals, clean up, prepare lunch - until I came to the part where I spend a few minutes sitting, reading the news on my iPhone.  I got the device, looked at the weather and then set the phone aside so that I could spend some time in meditation before I left for the day. 

 

It is amazing what even a little step outside the routine can do.  Meditating actually helped me set aside some of my stress about the day and allowed me to go off and begin my activities without that hurried sense that I usually carry when I know I am going to be busy.  I have been very productive this morning and am taking a short break to write this blog.  Then, I will plunge back into the fray, refreshed from having gone hands off for a little while. 

 

I detest being rushed.  What I am finding though is that much of the rush that I feel is internal and not, as I often perceive, the result of someone dropping something more on my plate.  I am hoping that I am going to learn something about the elasticity of time. 

 

 

Writing

My iPhone buzzed a little while ago . . . incoming email.  When I had a moment, I checked the mail and it was from the publisher that I submitted my novella early this year.  Unfortunately, the email was a form rejection notice. 

Such an outcome was not totally unexpected.  Everything that I have read about the publishing industry tells me that it is hard to get anything published, especially if you are a 'first timer'.  It is something like applying for a job when you have no experience.  You can be terribly well suited to do the job but, if you have not done it before, most employers do not want to take the chance on you. 

I have been thinking about what I might do, in the event of a rejection.  Will I submit to other publishers or just let this drop?  Honestly, I am not sure.  Writing is something I like to do; I enjoy it and I am not going to stop doing it because someone says that my work does not fit their niche.  This blog is evidence of that.  What I am not sure of is whether I want to continue to pursue publication (fiction or non-fiction). 

Something else for me to percolate.  

Spring really is coming

The ancient Celts celebrated a festival called Imbolc around the beginning of February.  It was their acknowledgement that, even though winter still held the land in its grip, the spark of light within the earth was alive and spring was coming. 

I've always thought that, at least where I live, the Celts were a little early.  At the beginning of February in the Buffalo area, winter still has a powerful and often snowy hold on the land and there seem to be no indicators that the trees will bud and burst into leaf any time soon.  But, in early March, the story is different. 

I stood outside at the bus stop this morning and breathed deeply in the still, cold air.  It was thirty degrees and the wind took that temperature down into the twenties but, undaunted, a lone cardinal sat at the top of a tree singing loudly, letting everyone know that this was his turf.  Off in the distance, the crow that I call The Sentinel cawed loudly, gathering the flock for another days foraging. 

Snow still covered the ground and, in between the song of the cardinal, the cawing of the crows and the passing of cars, silence still reins in the wood that surrounds my home.  The falling of that silence signals the beginning of winter to me and the breaking of that silence, by bird song and crow caw and human or animal movement, is a sign that winter is passing. 

As I stood, breathing deeply and being as present as my grasshopper brain will allow, I thought that I could actually feel life beginning to return to the trees, almost as though the old ones were cracking their eyes and looking about to see if the time to rise had come.  In another few weeks, they will stretch and come out of their 'beds', green will burst forth everywhere  . . . spring really is coming. 

Thinking About the Future

I am thinking about the future today. 

While part of my practice is to try to live my life more and more in the present, it is sometimes necessary for us to plan for what is to come.  In previous posts, I have noted that my wife and I are working, one hour at a time, each week, toward simplifying our lives so that we can relocate in 2011. 

Part of that plan is giving me a problem though.  I have considered several different options for that time period when I am transplanted - going to school for clinical laboratory work or acupuncture, for example - but I have not hit on something that I am really passionate about doing. 

Yesterday, I read a guest blog on Zen Habits about bad work, good work and great work.  As I noted, I have been stuck firmly in the bad/good work category and have done very little great work, work that was fulfilling and that I was passionate about doing.  Part of my commitment to myself this year is to work out for myself what that great work might look like and, to that end, I asked my teacher about it last night. 

His suggestion was to go back through my work history and look at jobs I have done.  What did I like about them?  What did I detest?  As I look at my previous work, I should see some patterns begin to develop and be able to list out some of the things that I am looking for in a career.  My feeling is that, when I am done and have had a chance to percolate, the pieces will fall together into something I have never considered before. 

I am excited about this process but also, as is usual with me, filled with some trepidation.  If I discover some thing or things that I really want to be doing then, in the next step, I will have to move out of my hunkered down, defensive, survival mode and go do them.  Right now, in this present moment, I have to remember Lao Tzu's words that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. 

Great Work

I took Friday off so I am coming back from a nice long weekend and trying to get back into the swing of things this morning.


I noted, when I opened my Reader this morning, that Zen Habits (http://zenhabits.net/) had a new post up about killing busy work. Reading this post had a strong effect on me. If I look at the statistical tables, my life expectancy is another 28.85 years. Now, I have no intention of setting the intent that I will only live that long but, thinking about the end of ones life does add some urgency to what the guest blogger is saying. Almost all of my work life has fallen into the Bad Work or Good Work category. I am an expert at settling and, though I have had some fulfilling experiences doing work in the nonprofit and volunteer realms, those experiences have not comprised more than 5% of my entire work life (and probably much less than that). Mostly, I have worked to survive.


So, along with my commitment to lose weight and submit a novella for publication this year, I am setting a new goal for myself: to spend some time, energy and meditation on exploring what would be a fulfilling career for me. I have the chance to go back to school and do pretty much whatever I want to do summer after next. I will not waste that wondrous opportunity.

Family

A lot of people fuss these days about modern technology and claim that it disconnects us, makes us passive observers of our lives rather than active participants.  Much of what these folks say is probably true but I, for one, am quit grateful for the tech that is now readily available to almost everyone.  

Some time back, during a bad spot in a marriage, I lost contact with my half sister and half brother.  I had no idea how to get in touch with either of them and some online searches in directories for cities where I knew they had resided failed to yield any results.  I have had this percolating in the back of my mind for a while, since they are really the only family I have left.  The other day, while I was sitting in meditation, the thought rose up in me that I should try looking on one of the social networking sites for them.  

With some trepidation (I have had bad experiences with social network sites), I went on Facebook and, within about five minutes, I had located my sister and through her friend list, my brother as well.  I messaged them both and my sister contacted me last night.  We have exchanged happy emails and plan on talking this weekend by phone.  I am waiting for my brother to reply yet but I am sure that I will hear from him soon.  

So, on this day, I am simply expressing my gratitude for the modern technologies that allow us to reconnect with people we care about.  

Observing Myself

As promised, today I want to talk a little about the effect that the observation exercise I discussed yesterday is having on me.  As I noted yesterday, what seemed like a simple assignment from my Taoist teacher - observing people with as little judgment as possible - turned out to be quite difficult.  I discovered quickly that I have a habit of looking at people, labeling them and then filing them away so that I can turn back to my own inner chatter. 

An effort on my part to look at the people around me without judgment had some unexpected results when I also turned that observation on myself.  What I found, as I watched those around me, was that if I did not place a label on the person I was observing, I was likely to place a judgment on myself. 

For example, if I happened to be riding the elevator with the woman I mentioned yesterday who wore too much perfume, had hair colored an unknown shade of red and was displaying entirely too much cleavage for a professional setting, my first reaction was to place the label - trying too hard to be young and failing miserably.  If I was being observant, I would then catch myself making that judgment and step back into trying to be present and simply observe.  What quickly arose then was a judgment on myself about my judgment on the woman - that was inappropriate, mean spirited, etc.  So, I found that I had to take another mental step back and allow myself (whatever that is) to look at myself without a label . . . on myself. 

I am reading that last paragraph and have to laugh.  The process sounds enormously convoluted but it really all happens in a split second and, if I make it through the whole process without getting stuck in one of the stages, I find that I am very present in the moment and not filled with the incessant internal chatter that characterizes my inner landscape.  Of course, that doesn't last long but it makes for a nice break and it makes me realize how much I am being lived by life instead of living life. 

Good thing my teacher says I have another half a century to practice!!

 

Observation

I have an assignment from my Taoist teacher to observe people, watching how they behave with as little judgment as I can manage. 

Observing people without judgment is extraordinarily difficult.  I am programmed to see something and then assign it a label so that I can dismiss it from my mind and move on to "more interesting" stuff.  Example:  I ride an elevator to the 18th floor of a high-rise building every day and, as a result, have an opportunity to observe a lot of different people. 

Previously, I found it easy to deal with this situation since I had my ready made labels to use.  The fellow in the business suit with the Blackberry, thumb typing away and scrolling ceaselessly through messages was Mr. Corporate Ladder Climber.  Dismiss.  The older woman with too much perfume on, unnaturally colored hair and a low cut top was Ms. Trying to Look Young (and failing miserably).  Dismiss.  The young lady with the harried look and a stain not quite scrubbed off the front of her blouse was Ms. Young Mother.  Dismiss.  And so on. 

Trying, now, not to use those labels, I have discovered how many of them I have.  I carry around a regular filing cabinet in my head, with labels ready made to slap on almost every situation and file smugly away.  Looking at these same people without judgment though, I am discovering that I actually pick up more about who they might really be. 

Mr. Corporate Ladder Climber could be scrolling ceaselessly through his messages looking for an invite from a friend for a relaxing dinner that evening.

Ms. Trying to Look Young may have just met a man who makes her feel really young and desirable for the first time in years.

Ms. Young Mother could just as easily be an animal rescue worker as have a spitting up child at home.

I am finding that working this exercise makes me more present because I am actually paying attention to the people around me instead of filing them away.  Tomorrow I will talk a little bit about my reactions to turning the observation on myself.

Potential

Here is a mind blowing concept that I was introduced to last night . . . potential. According to the Taoist teacher that I am working with, we contain all potentials within ourselves, since we are fundamentally united with the Tao, but, during the course of a lifetime, we choose some of those potentials as the focus for our existence, an expression of the True Nature that lies within us.

Now, I am probably explaining this very badly, but, when you look at this idea and sit with it for even a few moments, it has a potential of its own - the potential to set my and your carefully ordered world on its carefully ordered derriere. The problem that I face (along with a lot of others in this society) is that I have allowed myself to be pigeon holed, placed in a box, if you will, where I am only exercising a few of the bajillions of potentials that are available to me. Part of the work that I will be doing is finding ways to take myself outside those (comfortable) boxes and seeing what potentials I would really like to emphasize in this life.

In one of those curious serendipities that tell me that I am 'on to something', my wife emailed me while I was writing this post, pointing out that there is training in traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) available in the area that we want to move to summer after next. I have always been interested in pursuing an education in TCM but have succeeded in talking myself out of it since such an education is often expensive and one has to have the necessary drive to start a business once one graduates. Perhaps, it is not drive that is needed but an understanding of the flow of the Tao. Food for thought.

The Program and Fear

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

"Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear"

From the science fiction classic Dune by Frank Herbert.

I can not tell you how many times I have seen this piece of fictional text quoted on discussion forums, in chat rooms and on web sites by well meaning people who are trying to help others deal with their fear. From the standpoint of someone who is stuck in fear though, this litany is not only meaningless, it increases their suffering since, in addition to being afraid, they are being made to feel defective since they can not just "let it go". I suspect that many of the people who give this advice have fears of their own that they have not and can not deal with. It is often the case that the person we yell loudest at is the one who is reflecting back to us something we do not want to see.

Fear is actually a useful emotion. In the days when our distant ancestors were still hunted by saber tooth cats and other monstrous predators, a highly developed fight or flight mechanism was necessary for survival. Even today, when we encounter truly threatening situations, fear invokes a response in our bodies that speeds up our heart rate, increases our respirations, sends blood speeding to our muscles and generally prepares us to survive in situations where our life is in danger.

The trouble comes when past instances of survival create an imprint that invokes that fight or flight response in situations where we are not in physical danger. Example: as a result of some experiences in my childhood, I tend to hide (figuratively or literally) whenever someone is having strong emotions. This is not a useful strategy, particularly in close relationships, but it was what helped me survive my early years and I am faced with a double fear when I try to move out of that pattern. First, I must deal with the program and the fear that it induces when strong emotions are evident, or even when I think some action of mine will invoke strong emotions. Second, I must deal with the fear of change since I really do not have another behavior to substitute for the program. Letting go of that fear requires me to simply be present and to move with the flow of events and that is difficult even in less stressful situations.

My point in all this? It is easy to tell someone who is locked in fear to let it go, to face the fear, to allow it to flow past or to realize that it, like all emotions, has no permanence. The next time you feel tempted to do that, stop for a moment and consider the situation from the other person's point of view. I'm willing to bet that a moment of reflection will change your response and allow you to be more present and less intent on fixing the person who is struggling with fear.