Observing Myself

As promised, today I want to talk a little about the effect that the observation exercise I discussed yesterday is having on me.  As I noted yesterday, what seemed like a simple assignment from my Taoist teacher - observing people with as little judgment as possible - turned out to be quite difficult.  I discovered quickly that I have a habit of looking at people, labeling them and then filing them away so that I can turn back to my own inner chatter. 

An effort on my part to look at the people around me without judgment had some unexpected results when I also turned that observation on myself.  What I found, as I watched those around me, was that if I did not place a label on the person I was observing, I was likely to place a judgment on myself. 

For example, if I happened to be riding the elevator with the woman I mentioned yesterday who wore too much perfume, had hair colored an unknown shade of red and was displaying entirely too much cleavage for a professional setting, my first reaction was to place the label - trying too hard to be young and failing miserably.  If I was being observant, I would then catch myself making that judgment and step back into trying to be present and simply observe.  What quickly arose then was a judgment on myself about my judgment on the woman - that was inappropriate, mean spirited, etc.  So, I found that I had to take another mental step back and allow myself (whatever that is) to look at myself without a label . . . on myself. 

I am reading that last paragraph and have to laugh.  The process sounds enormously convoluted but it really all happens in a split second and, if I make it through the whole process without getting stuck in one of the stages, I find that I am very present in the moment and not filled with the incessant internal chatter that characterizes my inner landscape.  Of course, that doesn't last long but it makes for a nice break and it makes me realize how much I am being lived by life instead of living life. 

Good thing my teacher says I have another half a century to practice!!