The Program

I had a discussion with a friend and teacher last night that has me looking at my life with slightly different eyes this morning. He pointed out that my responses to some questions he had asked me indicated that I am firmly rooted, indeed, stuck, in the past.

My first response to this statement was typical of me: denial. I've practiced long enough, though, to know that when I have that sort of knee jerk reaction, I am responding according to my 'programming' and not from my heart. Unlike the incident that set off my anger this week, I stopped before I actually voiced the denial and sat with my reaction for a second . . . and saw that what my friend was telling me was absolutely true.

I have known for some time now that many of my reactions are 'programmed' - that is, they are learned behaviors from my past that served my survival needs at the time but that now serve to bind me into a life without color. The program tells me to hunker down, keep my head down, be safe (whatever that is) and try to blend into the background. The program tells me that I must constantly be cautious, that people and their strong emotions are dangerous and that they will hurt me if I am not prepared or if I am too open to them. The program tells me that being polite and telling people what I think they want to hear is the best way to deal with everything from day to day interactions to intimate relationships.

My constant struggle with the program is a large source of the emotional exhaustion most people call depression. Through mindfulness, I can sometimes recognize that I am responding from the program and, at the best of times, shining the light of awareness on a reaction allows that knot of emotions to dissipate. I am hoping, as my wife and I enter a new phase of learning, to work more skillfully with the program so that I can free up the energy to live my life more fully in the present.