The Program and Fear

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

"Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear"

From the science fiction classic Dune by Frank Herbert.

I can not tell you how many times I have seen this piece of fictional text quoted on discussion forums, in chat rooms and on web sites by well meaning people who are trying to help others deal with their fear. From the standpoint of someone who is stuck in fear though, this litany is not only meaningless, it increases their suffering since, in addition to being afraid, they are being made to feel defective since they can not just "let it go". I suspect that many of the people who give this advice have fears of their own that they have not and can not deal with. It is often the case that the person we yell loudest at is the one who is reflecting back to us something we do not want to see.

Fear is actually a useful emotion. In the days when our distant ancestors were still hunted by saber tooth cats and other monstrous predators, a highly developed fight or flight mechanism was necessary for survival. Even today, when we encounter truly threatening situations, fear invokes a response in our bodies that speeds up our heart rate, increases our respirations, sends blood speeding to our muscles and generally prepares us to survive in situations where our life is in danger.

The trouble comes when past instances of survival create an imprint that invokes that fight or flight response in situations where we are not in physical danger. Example: as a result of some experiences in my childhood, I tend to hide (figuratively or literally) whenever someone is having strong emotions. This is not a useful strategy, particularly in close relationships, but it was what helped me survive my early years and I am faced with a double fear when I try to move out of that pattern. First, I must deal with the program and the fear that it induces when strong emotions are evident, or even when I think some action of mine will invoke strong emotions. Second, I must deal with the fear of change since I really do not have another behavior to substitute for the program. Letting go of that fear requires me to simply be present and to move with the flow of events and that is difficult even in less stressful situations.

My point in all this? It is easy to tell someone who is locked in fear to let it go, to face the fear, to allow it to flow past or to realize that it, like all emotions, has no permanence. The next time you feel tempted to do that, stop for a moment and consider the situation from the other person's point of view. I'm willing to bet that a moment of reflection will change your response and allow you to be more present and less intent on fixing the person who is struggling with fear.